It's Been So long Since I've Seen the Ocean

This title may seem misleading as it is. I went to the ocean the past two days. For me, the water is a place for reflection. The calmness of the waves and the misty breeze in the colder months offers a sense of serenity you won't find during the crowded summer. Living a mile from the beach, last minutes trips to the boardwalk are not uncommon. This specific trip was more powerful than most, however.

Earlier in the day, I finally received my dad's Christmas package with the new digital camera I asked "Santa" for. The best gift i received was the mixed CD's he made for me in return for the mixes I made him for his birthday. My dad and I don't connect on everything. After my parents divorce when I was 12, my relationship with my them became much like a roller coaster. One second, I found myself struggling up a steep climb trying to make sense of my feelings and the frustrations I felt. Other times, we coasted and our family dynamic finally began to make sense. My mom and I have always had a strong emotional bond. My dad was the person I turned for financial advice or help with my math homework. We watched sports on the couch talking about the benefit of the latest Red Sox trade and swapped CD's. I kept the "girly" talk to a minimum. As I grew older, music became the one thing that truly connected us. Our bond over Van Morrison solidified a new chapter in our relationship. Unfortunately, it came around the time I moved 3,000 miles away from home.

When I uploaded the mixed CD's to my iTunes and started to listen to the familiar sounds in the background, I felt a sense of longness. Then, I read the descriptions of why my dad chose the songs he did. A four page document mind you. My dad is not the type of male (like most) to discuss his feelings with his children. He always played the role of the protector and I can still count the handful of times I actually saw my dad put his guard down.

Music plays an integral role in our lives for many different reasons. For me, music has always been about a feeling or a memory. I pay attention to lyrics and melodies and can pinpoint how I felt at the time I first heard a certain song. This was the first time I realized my dad felt the same way. As I read through the songs on the CD, I noticed a tune from the Counting Crows which surprised me because I was usually the one introducing my dad to current music. It was the Counting Crow's "Long December," a haunting song whose lyrics transcend any generation. We have all felt that sense of hopelessness in our lifetime. A time when you reflect and wonder when and how things will get better. I have felt it and that feeling was an integral factor in my decision to make a change in my life.

I realized that this song had a similar effect on my dad. Having been through heartache myself, I could finally relate to my dad and began to have a deeper appreciation for the toll my parent's divorce had on not just me, but him. As 2011 approaches and the new year represents the opportunity to press the refresh button on life, I can accept my family not for what we were forced to become but for who we always were. Now, I am finally capable of seeing that. We have all had year's where we hoped the next would be better than the last and I'm glad as December winds down, I can appreciate that my father was able to share those feelings through music.

While it had not been that long since I had seen the ocean, I'm glad I did this particular time.