UPDATE:F*cking Spanks

For those of you who were dying to know my undergarment of choice, I weighed my options heavily and opted to suck it in rather than get sucked in. It was a very wise decision on my part. Which leads me to question where the bruises on my left thigh came from...

F*cking Spanks

No this is not a blog post about the YouTube video poking fun at Jaeger-bomb drinking Northern New Jersey grease balls. This is a rant on spanks on why they are the hidden secret every girl hates to love. I am talking about the tight fitting tummy suckers that hide every excess roll and smooth out every curve. Spanks were invented to make every girl look five pounds skinnier than they really are. Even magicians can't create optical illusions like spanks can.

So what's the problem then right? Finally, females can hide their muffin tops and beer belly's (yes, girls get beer belly's) and feel confident and sexy in that little black dress. Well sure, that's all fine and dandy if you don't plan on coming within five feet of someone of the opposite sex. The new ad slogan for spanks should be as follows, "You can look, but you can't touch."

Many of us have watched that scene in "Bridget's Jones' Diary." You know the one when she finally gets Hugh Grant to notice her at the book launch party. He takes her back to his apartment where they proceed to carry on doing PG-13 activities when his hand slips up her tight dress only to discover....huge panties!!!!! Watching that scene is like sitting through the "Shining" with a pillow covering your eyes. You know it's coming and you can't help but cringe the second he sees her granny panties. I do not know of a single female who would want to live through that shame.

Thus my issue with spanks. They can make you look great but should a gentleman ever find his way up that tight black dress of yours, he is in for a surprise. Don't be shocked by that horrified look on his face when he notices your undergarments stretch just underneath your chest and extend mid-thigh. Not a pretty site.

So this begs the question, how do you get away with wearing spanks when you think there is a chance (albeit slim) that you will be getting laid? You can hope that you are both drunk enough that he won't remember in the morning which in that case, you have more to worry about than him uncovering your spanks. Or you can try your hardest to slip that thing down while his back is turned. I praise any girl who is skilled enough to pull that move off.

Glamour.com (http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2008/10/readers-dilemma-i-want-to-hook.html) recently posted a similar discussion. Check it out to read about additional spanks dilemmas. Crazysexylovely provides a decent suggestion, but come one who can really get away with the "hold on while I freshen up a bit," line? Chances are, if you have already dived-in into the hanky panky there is no turning back.

Based on my prior experience with this dilemma, I think I might just forgo the spanks all together and plan to just keep my tummy sucked-in all night. Unless of course anyone else can offer up some alternatives, please!