UPDATE:F*cking Spanks

For those of you who were dying to know my undergarment of choice, I weighed my options heavily and opted to suck it in rather than get sucked in. It was a very wise decision on my part. Which leads me to question where the bruises on my left thigh came from...

F*cking Spanks

No this is not a blog post about the YouTube video poking fun at Jaeger-bomb drinking Northern New Jersey grease balls. This is a rant on spanks on why they are the hidden secret every girl hates to love. I am talking about the tight fitting tummy suckers that hide every excess roll and smooth out every curve. Spanks were invented to make every girl look five pounds skinnier than they really are. Even magicians can't create optical illusions like spanks can.

So what's the problem then right? Finally, females can hide their muffin tops and beer belly's (yes, girls get beer belly's) and feel confident and sexy in that little black dress. Well sure, that's all fine and dandy if you don't plan on coming within five feet of someone of the opposite sex. The new ad slogan for spanks should be as follows, "You can look, but you can't touch."

Many of us have watched that scene in "Bridget's Jones' Diary." You know the one when she finally gets Hugh Grant to notice her at the book launch party. He takes her back to his apartment where they proceed to carry on doing PG-13 activities when his hand slips up her tight dress only to discover....huge panties!!!!! Watching that scene is like sitting through the "Shining" with a pillow covering your eyes. You know it's coming and you can't help but cringe the second he sees her granny panties. I do not know of a single female who would want to live through that shame.

Thus my issue with spanks. They can make you look great but should a gentleman ever find his way up that tight black dress of yours, he is in for a surprise. Don't be shocked by that horrified look on his face when he notices your undergarments stretch just underneath your chest and extend mid-thigh. Not a pretty site.

So this begs the question, how do you get away with wearing spanks when you think there is a chance (albeit slim) that you will be getting laid? You can hope that you are both drunk enough that he won't remember in the morning which in that case, you have more to worry about than him uncovering your spanks. Or you can try your hardest to slip that thing down while his back is turned. I praise any girl who is skilled enough to pull that move off.

Glamour.com (http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2008/10/readers-dilemma-i-want-to-hook.html) recently posted a similar discussion. Check it out to read about additional spanks dilemmas. Crazysexylovely provides a decent suggestion, but come one who can really get away with the "hold on while I freshen up a bit," line? Chances are, if you have already dived-in into the hanky panky there is no turning back.

Based on my prior experience with this dilemma, I think I might just forgo the spanks all together and plan to just keep my tummy sucked-in all night. Unless of course anyone else can offer up some alternatives, please!

New Pad = New Blog Post

I blame having an actual job on not keeping up with my posts. In fact, I am so behind I cannot even claim to represent the "real" Three's Company anymore. Yep, you guessed it, I moved. Jack managed to take off and run...he will now reside in a much more "desirable" part of the city.

Me? I took Chrissy and two other girls and moved one mile down the road. Now, one mile might not seem like a lot but when you poorly strap mattresses to the roof of your car and drive along the pot-hole filled roads of Somerville you can only imagine what could happen. Luckily, we all survived move-out and move-in day. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my Labor Day Weekend.

Now, I live with three other girls. At first I thought living with a dude would be a challenge. Where do I keep my feminine hygeine products? Will he judge me if I have been on the toliet for an obscene amount of time? Is it weird if I walk around without pants? I quickly realized that I would not have to worry about any of the above fears. In fact, only a few weeks in I got to witness first hand a game of "asshole" and a couple Papa John's pizza with three guys, none of them wearing any pants. According to everyone and their mother, the real challenge will be my current living situation.

Once we decided to break up our fictional threesome and start our own little mini brothel, you can only imagine how many times we were each asked the following question in various forms. "You are going to live with four girls? Wow that should be interesting, I mean I lived with four girls in college and none of us speak to each other anymore." Well all, thanks for the vote of confidence! And yes, we are all getting along swimmingly and no, I will not use my roomate's toothbrush to clean the toilet.

We have been settled into the new pad for three weeks now and so far so good. Sure we can't keep our window opens at night for fear of a late night attack by some mysterious predator. So what if every Saturday and Sunday morning the bells and bagpipes from the church next door chime on the hour every hour. Parking tickets? That's what the glove comparment is for.

For all of you, and by all I mean my mom, who read this, say goodbye to Three's Company and hello to Sex and the Town Located Really Close to the City.

Thursday night Oprah and elk poo

Last night I watched an episode of Oprah on polygamy. Yes, I watched an episode of Oprah at 9pm on a Thursday night while scarfing down an entire bag of elk poo straight from Park City, Utah.

I do not know much about "plural families," as Oprah referred to them, but what struck me as odd, is that most of the guys I know don't want to even date a girl let alone marry more than one. Maybe it relates back to the mentality that men cannot truly be monogamous so by having multiple wives they can never be considered a cheater. While polygamy is considered illegal in all 50 states it still happens quite often. In fact, there are men who have upwards of 180 wives. That's almost as many people as my graduating high school class.

So, if men think it is okay to live with multiple women, why can't a women live with multiple men? Well first off, it's bad enough dealing with one man. They leave the lights on, they are much too gassy and they never understand the true value of watching old episodes of Oprah on a Thursday night. If a man thinks his life is fulfilled by living in a 30,000 sq-foot house run amock with 36 kids and three menopausal women than it just proves why men are the inferior sex. I have a hard enough time getting one guy to call me back let alone multiple so I think I will stick with my current living situation and stay far away from Colorado City, AZ. Besides, I never did think colonial garb was flattering for my figure.

Where the kisses are hers and hers and his

To give you a rundown of the past year of my life I...

1. Graduated college
2. Moved back into my parent's house (woohoo!)
3. Got a job and became a real person, sort of
4. Watched TV and went to bed by 9:30 PM
5. Occassionally ventured into the big city for a night out with my friends who also mooched off their parents

Now I....
1. Finally moved out
2. Sign onto my online bank account and watch my savings disappear
3. Watch TV and go to bed at 11 PM
4. Play Guitar Hero (still trying to make master "Slow Ride" without being booed off stage.
5. Occassionally venture into the city, which I now call home, with my two roomates.

It may not seem like a whole lot has changed since moving out of my split level ranch in suburbia. However, life with my roomies aka Chrissy and Jack, is like watching Three's Company reruns on Nick at Night 24/7. Coincidentally, Chrissy may in fact be blood related to the Late John Ritter himself...fate? I like to think so.